Friday, February 18, 2011

U.S.A? Really?

Now, I have about as much respect for our founding fathers as the next guy.  That is, a respectable amount.  Sure, it would have been nice if they had worked out that whole slavery issue, but, for the most part, I don't have too much beef with them, except one issue that I feel oddly passionate about.

They chose a crappy name for our country.

I get it.  The United States of America.  Back then, there was a lot more focus on state's rights.  Essentially, individual states were mostly independent bodies that would have been connected by a small federal government, but otherwise largely autonomous.  This is even revealed by the fact that they are called "states," as opposed to "provinces."  So really, the name United States of America makes sense in that context.  But it is still a really crappy name.

First of all, what were they thinking?  I mean, they were facing of against Britain.  Britain is a nice name.  Two syllables, easy to say, and evokes a strong feeling of tea and fops.  What does USA invoke?  The fact is that you aren't going to get a whole lot of feeling from a simple acronym (or initialism for you pedants.)

Another thing.  What do we call ourselves?  Americans?  Except, no, wait.  People in this entire hemisphere could call themselves Americans.  South America and North America are the friggin' continents we live on!  If not Americans, then what?  USAns?  Uniteds?  Statians?  All of these sound really horrible.  Look at Turkey.  Cool name, even cooler people identifier: Turks.  That's AWESOME.  Way cooler than Statians.  (Would that be pronounced the same as stations?)  In spanish, people from the US are termed estadounidenses  (basically, united-states-ians).  That works for them because they talk really fast, but it's not a viable name in English.

So, in light of this, I propose that we officially change our name to something that's actually good.  Something that I would be proud to call myself.  I have a few suggestions:


  • Metropia (metropians)
  • Apocolypta (apocolyptans)
  • HarrisonLand (harrisonians)
  • Chocolate (chocolatians)
  • Dagobah (yodas)
  • Atlantis (atlanteans)
  • New Old Awesomestan (awesomestandians)
  • Canada (canadians)
  • Mushroom Kingdom (marios)
  • Latveria (doombots)
  • Yashmoshin (yashmans)
Well... okay.  Maybe none of those were any good.  But at least I'm out there trying new things.  Come on, people.  Do you really want to live in a place called the United States of America?  Wouldn't you much rather live in a place called Apocolypta?

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